Somewhere Over the Rainbow Bridge: Darkness Always Finds the Light Print

Somewhere Over the Rainbow Bridge: Darkness Always Finds the Light From the moment we are born: Life, and the meaning of life is a constant a battle for us all, more of a battle for some than others – right?! Life in 2020 is, and will always be, well known for the struggles we have all faced alone, with or without loved ones and collectively together as the ‘human’ race, as we challenge and confront the current battlefield: COVID-19 and 2020 Prior to ‘Lockdown’ in March, I, as I have been for as long as I can remember, have been battling with a troubled, confused and sleeping mind: Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and suicidal thoughts. In addition to my pre-lockdown battle with my troubled mind, my husband of 3-years and partner of 18 years told me that he no longer loved me and thinks he has feelings for someone else. I, painfully, was pushed away and I moved out of our marital home to let him walk the path he has chosen. Four days later: COVID-19 Lockdown. In the subsequent weeks and months that have followed, my troubled mind has relived every memory I have from childhood to now – 12.01.1982 to the present day at 38 years of age, which has resulted in exacerbation of everything I have been battling with my whole 38 years of life - my troubled mind and memories of bullying, control, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, torture and rape. My troubled mind has therefore been to the black hole, to the brightest of stars and now it continues to go back and forward between them both! As I fight every second of every moment that I am awake, art and painting has helped me to stay focused, alert, emotional, passionate, alive, creative and challenged. Back in my school days, in the 1990’s, I was told that I had a natural flare for both Art and Music and I was encouraged to apply for both Art and Music colleges after receiving the highest grades in both subjects. However, life circumstances (parents divorced) and priorities dramatically changed. Interests in art and music was put to the back of the brain as I went between jobs, university courses and life up and down the UK. I have bought pianos and flutes over the years to try and revive my passion for music, which has helped, but nowhere near as much as art and painting have in the last 5 months. Back in 2013/2014, I lost my hair through residual internal stress – my whole life ended! Already battling with what I see in the mirror, I felt I may as well have been dead after losing my hair. At this point, I remember buying pencils and paper and turning to art and sketching (my thing at school) to refocus my mind. I drew a sketch of my yin to my yang and my yang to my yin: my absolute love of my life – Ella, my dog, best friend, best partner, best guardian, best counsellor, best healer and mentor in the meaning of life. I was so impressed with the sketch I achieved I framed it, and I still display it for all to see to this day. 12-18 months after I sketched Ella I managed to grow my hair back  Fast forward to post marriage-separation and post lockdown, I almost succeeded in that darkest of thoughts I had when I lost my hair. If it wasn’t for my loved ones intervening at the ‘right time’ my mind would have been permanently asleep. Fast forward 5 months later and I am positively awakened! In these last 5 months I have been able to reignite my passion for both music and art, and from the feedback I have received I have been told that I still have the natural flare. I was never a painter in art at school, I was always a sketcher, so one of my closest friends, and one of my saviours, encouraged me to try painting alongside her as she had just started painting during lockdown. The rest is (as MaMa Ru Paul would say: “Her”Story) #history. If you have never watched Ru Paul’s Drag Race you won’t get that last sentence, sorry. I have only been painting for 5 months, but I would like the whole world to look at my painting as a symbol of hope and equality for all. Equally, I would like the world, especially the art world, to critique my painting. I love to learn and always accept constructive criticism with an open heart. My inspiration for this painting came from my little sister, another one of my saviours, when she suggested a picture from the time we visited ‘The Enchanted Forest” a few years ago. After recently binge watching 7-seasons of ‘Once Upon a Time’, as soon as my little sister mentioned ‘the enchanted forest’ my mind seen it as a sign that I should paint my 38 years of emotions (evil, good, wishes, dreams, magic) into one painting. We may be one physical being of existence, but if we are true to our thoughts and feelings; we are more than one being of existence in our mind. Please listen to ‘We are 2 in a Million’ by S Club 7. Look at my painting, listen to the words and tell yourself they are singing about you and your ‘other you’s’. I promise, once you are true to your ‘own’ thoughts and feelings your mind is better equipped to fight the darkness – which I hope I have been able to express in this painting. By fighting the darkness and allowing it to find the light, I can positively say that I have been awakened from my sleeping curse. But how I can be awakened from a curse that needs true loves kiss to break it? (please watch once upon a time if you haven’t already done so). I have awoken myself, by giving myself true loves kiss. True love for what I see in the mirror, for what others see in me and true self-love for who I ‘really’ am mentally, emotionally and spiritually - a living, breathing human being that has found the meaning of life: ‘True Love’. As they say in ‘Once Upon a Time’ – ‘True Love’ is the most ‘powerful magic’ and I am not afraid to say that I believe in magic. Otherwise I would have never awakened from the sleeping curse of the last 38 years of my life. Call me crazy, call me whatever you would like to. I now appreciate, now more than ever, that every voice that is not my own (in my head or in the so called real world) is a voice that is entitled to their own opinions, just as equally as I do to others. I do not pass judgement on any other being until I understand reasons behind every thought, feeling and subsequent actions. I live in hope others would do the same for me. If I break the painting into 3 sections (right/middle/left), I can briefly tell you my story behind the brush: Right (from right border of the frame to the start of the rainbow bridge) Within this section of the painting you will notice the YinYang symbol in the black night sky. Painted in the style of the moon (the light of the dark), I have tried to seamlessly blend this in to represent inner peace. You will also notice my signature on the moon. Purposely positioned within the moon as opposing and conflicting forces and painted in opposing colours; the R represents the Yin (dark) side of me fighting with the light and my surname (Chan), which I have written in its rightful form, represents the Yang (light) side of me fighting with the dark. This reminds me that I cannot exist without the one or the other, I will continue to transform between the two and I will always depend on them both! The moon also represents me at the beginning: the creation of an egg (yin/darkness) and sperm (yang/light). As such, the yinyang moon represents us all: the human race. We are all created as a perfect balance of darkness and light, we are all born equal, and from the moment we exist to the day we stop existing in our minds, we continuously battle with both the darkness and the light and at some point in all of our minds, we are blinded by both the dark and by the light! When I accepted that I cannot answer the many questions I have been seeking an answer for, I acknowledged and accepted that darkness is part of me, but it cannot exist if there is no light. This is when I realised that no love is more important than Love-SELF-Love (Love for what you and others see and self-love: love for who you ‘really’ are). Only you know who you ‘really’ are. I, like you and any other living-breathing being have so much to offer, but more importantly, we have so much to offer ‘me’, ‘myself’ and ‘I’ in the life both I and we have been blessed with experiencing. This takes me on to the middle section of the painting (from the start of the rainbow bridge to the end of the rainbow bridge). The day my darkness found the light and I started living for me, myself and I. The day I began to challenge and confront my darkness and allow the light in to try and restore balance. The day I sent out wishful thoughts and forgiveness to all those that have hurt me, myself and I and wish them all the best in their new paths. The day I embraced my darkness and my light. The day that the river started to flow through me. As a result, the rainbow bridge (my life path) is showing me the dark and the light that is ahead of me. Reminding me that, as long as I continue as I am in the here and now, I can confront any challenge that is ahead of me with pride in knowing that I am human and normal just like you! I have experienced many things you have experienced in ways I am all too familiar with. Life is a power that we have all been given the blessing of experiencing. What we need to discover and learn however, is that: YOU have the power to create the life YOU have been blessed with, be YOUrself, love YOUrself for who YOU really are, treat all that cross YOUr path as equals, give back to others that little bit more that YOU are asking for and don’t be afraid to admit YOU are NOT OK, no matter how crazy society has made what we voice to be. You will notice red and blue lines painted in the start of bright pink light at the start of the rainbow bridge – this represents blood that runs through me just as it equally does for all others that cross my path: other humans (no labels please) from the ‘same world’ that ‘I’ am currently living in with ‘you’. I have always had my own power and it has taken me 38 years to learn how to use it! Now I feel safe knowing that wherever my path is taking me in this new chapter of my life – somewhere over the rainbow bridge: darkness always finds the light. I believe! Immediately to the left of the start of the rainbow bridge you will see two people. When I look at the painting with Love-SELF-Love I only see one person: me as I see myself – a human that is at peace with, what society perceives as, my masculine and my feminine side. When I look at the painting with Love for others and love that I receive from others the male figure represents me and the female figure represents the love and support from all the bitches in my life (bitches used as a term of endearment and respect to all other humans in my life that have shown their love and support in many various ways – you know who you all are. The male and female figure also represents my sisters and I – all of my yins to my yangs and yangs to my yins: Ella, Ruby, Mum, Melissa, Olivia, Kona, Doughnut, Ashleigh and Jing (My Chinese sister from another mother) and Neil (my forever friend/ex-partner). At this point, please now listen to ‘This is Me” from the Greatest Showman, look at my painting and I hope you can see in the painting all that I have written so far. Now I have accepted that “This is Me”, I feel that I can achieve anything as long as I continue to believe, believe every day that I have left to experience this confusing existence is colourful, and that somewhere over the rainbow bridge: darkness always finds the light. I find peace knowing that I will continue to face bullying, discrimination, trauma and loss of myself and others to the shadows of the darkness – it is after all the reasons I am who I am today. I find peace in knowing that no matter what anyone else believes, I believe what I choose to believe and as long as I bring no harm to others and treat them as equals, once I reach the end of my rainbow bridge I can welcome myself to the next sleeping curse ready to be reawakened wherever the darkness takes me – Darkness cannot exist without light; it may not always be obvious as you enter the black hole but there is a bright star out there somewhere always waiting for you to accept it into your darkness. This leads me on to the last section of my life path. The left section of the painting (from the end of the rainbow bridge to the left border of the canvas): if you look closely you will notice a black figure peeping from behind the tree. This represents me, and you, ready and waiting for whatever challenges the darkness has for us, as our minds move from this existence to whatever existence is next, if any? I believe! COVID-19 and 2020 has been such a positively-negative and negatively-positive experience for me so far. The main point I am trying to convey through this painting, especially when we can all collectively agree for once that we are all experiencing something we can familiarise with. No matter how big or how small. No matter if you think someone is better or worse off than you, we are all suffering in our own ways. If you remember at the beginning, I said - from the moment we are born: Life, and the meaning of life is a constant a battle for us all, more of a battle for some than others – right?! In my opinion – wrong?! You never now, and never will know what is ‘truly’ going on in someone else’s mind. ‘You’ only know what ‘you’ think and what ‘you’ feel. If I asked who you think is fighting the toughest battle during the current zeitgeist of 2020: a single parent millionaire or a single parent on benefits. First thoughts – be honest!! Now put socio-economic status and societal ideologies aside – who is fighting the toughest battle now? We will never know – only they will ‘really’ know. We are all fighting our own battles; be kind; be respectful; don’t judge and believe what you want to believe as long as you bring no harm to others and never lose hope; hope in yourself and hope for those that love, understand and accept you for who you ‘really’ are. To finish off, please think about what I have written, play ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ by Eva Cassidy, look at my painting and I hope you can see what I have emotionally tried to convey: my past, present and future and your past, present and future. Now start at the beginning of my painting and think of your life, play all the songs I suggested (or ones that mean something to you) and accept who you ‘really’ are, embrace your darkness, embrace your light, believe in YOU and somewhere over your rainbow bridge: darkness always find the light. Now you’re probably saying to yourself, so who are you? I am you, as you are me: a human being with one mind that is trapped, and the only person that can learn the power of life which is practically imperfect in every way! Everything you love is all in one place. All you need is true love and life will have meaning I have chosen not to attach any labels to define ‘who I am’ according to religion or politics as labels matter not – only art matters. As MaMa Ru says: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love someone else?" #NAMASTE